"it doesn't have to be beautiful: unless it's beautiful."

there is a simple element to human interaction that i have a terribly difficult time adjusting to. a friend was telling me the other evening that in order to have successful relationships, you need to stop being invested. her words have left me at a standstill... i am standing before this rather large, metaphorical brick wall, attempting to stop caring: attempting to be even more selfish? i had already considered at one point (actually recently) that i was one of the most selfish individuals that this current world has been so unfortunate to birth. yet, now i am actually challenging myself to become more selfish? why did her simple words challenge something so very complex: my emotions?

yet with that being said, i have to weigh my world of disappointment (many times self-inflicted) against her world of selfishness. what kind of person do i really want to be? do i want to try to understand (maybe even embrace) the complexities of sincere human interaction, or do i want to just pretend to sleep better at night by not caring? i think the thing that has defined me over these twenty-eight years is my ability to show unrealistic amounts of care (while remaining guarded by a cold and impenetrable shell). is this the very thing that everyone always loved? better yet...have i always loved this about me?

alas.
i have reached an intersection in my life that is most likely a result of a failing relational home-front and a failed twenty-eight year attempt at human dignity. this blog stems from having your spouse tell you that you are a worthless failure. moreover, you know that she is entirely correct. you try as hard as you could possibly try to restructure your ideals and self-conception, but what you end up with is a weekly disagreement and a lack of inspiration. i am finishing degrees, starting new degrees, borrowing unrealistic amounts of money, and for what? there has to be a point where i believe that i am doing this for myself and no one else, but i struggle to come to this realization. it is a travesty of sorts, but i can honestly say that skating by in a lethargic, mediocre job would be just as gratifying as post-graduate studies and a tenure.
so here i sit.
alone. my spouse is in Florida with my daughter and her family, getting some deserving time away. yet the unfortunate part is that aside from my new-found boredom, i am finding it hard to care. i stare down and see this ring on my finger, but what does it really mean? after countless conversations all i see is a marriage that stemmed from a youthful lack of responsibility. when you find that the honesty that you were looking for, in a form of reciprocation, was tossed aside for adolescent frivolity, you have no choice but to challenge daily motives and future intentions. she says i am selfish, i say that i am selfish, a lack of friends says that i am selfish.
selflessness.
is an attribute that i find quite difficult to portray. i know that i have a heart, i know that there is depth and emotion somewhere within this shell, but in order to stray from the emotive direction that this is headed, i must redirect. two things that i can not live without right now: spaced and bon iver. more to express tomorrow...